At least The Times was honest. Here's the last paragraph of The New York Times Review entitled: "Confronting the Fabled Monster, Not to Mention His Naked Mom"
"Stripped of much of the original poem's language, its cadences, deep history and context, this film version of "Beowulf" doesn't offer much beyond 3-D oohs and ahs, sword clanging and a nicely conceived dragon, which probably explains why Mr. Zemeckis and his collaborators have tried to sex it up with Ms. Jolie, among other comic-book flourishes. The same no doubt accounts for why Mr. Winstone, an actor of substantial stomach girth . . . has been transformed into a generic-looking gym rat complete with six-pack. Somewhere in B-movie heaven Steve Reeves is smiling.
""Beowulf" is rated PG-13 (Parents strongly cautioned). Gory violence and a naked Angelina Jolie avatar."
Turns out, good hero Beowulf doesn't kill Grendel's mom after all. He does what any red-blooded Zemeckis and Gaiman would do: He lies with her and then lies about it. And the dragon at the end of the book? That's Beowulf's kid-by-Jolie. Don't know why I didn't see that in the original poem before. Somehow, I grew up thinking this was a story about moral courage. So glad Zemeckis and co. enlightened me.
Regular readers of my blog know I'm normally more tempered in my reviews and opinions. But quite frankly, I'm finding it difficult to meet this lewd tripe with anything but disdain. Scholarly, thoughtful opinion and adaptation I can and will refute in kind, even when I disagree. Voyeuristic perversions that hijack ancient literature to promote a renegade modern "philosophy"? Even the Times took its jabs, so I don't feel too bad about it.
NPR reviewers took time to answer the movie philosophically, but even they couldn't stick to the movie itself. Enter the lament on Hollywood:
"What's most troubling about Beowulf, though, is what it says about the Zemeckis' career. He's gone from being a director of stories to an orchestrator of eye candy — and a willing slave to technological advances. But rarely has so much expensive technique been put at the service of such feeble and pathetic screenwriting. The man who brought you Forrest Gump now worries about spurting blood. Thus does Hollywood devour its young."
Wanting some literary (and moral) purity? Check out Portland Studios' recent edition: The text is true to the original, both in courageous content and in poetic style. The illustrations are gorgeous, and there's even a three page appendix with literary and historical details. And in case you're curious about the philosophy behind the Portland Studios Edition, Check out Zachary Franzen's justification.
Full Disclosure:
I'm Senior Editor on the project. That's why I quoted The New York Times--so you know I'm not just tooting our own horn here. Watch for our review coming out in Booklist December 15. Interested in ordering? Just type in my initials ( SY ) on the order page to receive a 5% discount.