This is a villanelle i just finished* for poetry-writing class.
I'm not quite sure if I bent the form around too much.
Most of the villanelles I've read twist it around a bit,
but since I've never written one, I'm not really sure.
Thoughts?
Suggestions?
Villanelles of your own?
*finished, in the sense that I am ready to turn it in.
not finished, in the sense that I will probably tweak it some more.
Funeral Testimonies
Elmira Dinkel, 72
�'Our pastor is a happy man!'
children laughed, so he doled out treats
to make them laugh again.�
Deacon Thomas, 46
�He's gone to a better place than
this. We know �Well done� will greet
our Pastor, happy man.�
Kelly Wagner, 23
�When my best friend died, he had this plan
(well, my best friend was his helpmeet)
but anyway, a plan to make me laugh again.�
Bobby Shanks, 4
�At Harvest Fest, him and me, we ran
around wif clown shoes on our feet.
He was a bery happy man.�
Craig Sweitzer, 17
�He told these jokes like only pastors can,
old corny jokes. He thought they were neat,
and he made us laugh again.�
Next-Door Neighbor, 34
�Your pastor was such a happy man.
Even his last choice was a happy feat:
car fumes, so not to wake the street
while making himself laugh again.�
you have a way....
yes, it's an altered form, but not necessarily to its detriment.
as for villanelles in general,
latest attempt here --
http://www.chattablogs.com/effigy/archives/007824.html
steph you never cease to amaze me. it had such a twist at the end.
what an experience. but for the grace of God...
Posted by: hill at January 27, 2004 10:21 AMok.
in letting this ferment for a while, i see a few problems:
1. compression. i either need to say more in the space, or say what i say in less space. i'm still struggling with this one because the whole poem is supposed to be superficial, but how to do that masterfully seems to evade me at the moment.
2. there are a couple of really intrusive lines.
(well, his best friend was my helpmeet). what's up with that?
ok. so it needs some work. any other points of contention?
steph
agreed, somewhat. (my/his was fine, much better than his/my.) but it took me a while of scraping around in my memory for the necessary background info to "get" that whole stanza, especially due to the age of the speaker. so on the thinking count, if you were intending superficiality, there's a no.
as i mentioned in the other place...
http://www.chattablogs.com/effigy/archives/009748.html
...the first lines' appearance as obits is disconcerting at first. i don't know that you should change it because of the reasons i mentioned in the other place. however, if you were shooting for the immediate recognition that comes with triteness/superficiality/idiomatic [lies-we-tell-ourselves?] then maybe you could seek some phraseology that is not so specific. for instance, "harvest fest." i know what that is. you know what that is. but "carnival" or "circus day" or "hayride trip" or something may require less pondering over what could be meant and more skimming to a realization of the main theme.
???
miss watkins comments:
she felt my poem implied that
kelly and pastor had been
improper at best.
:(
wow.
need to work.
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